Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
You Might Also Like
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
wait.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Many hands make light work
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy