I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
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i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
TRAIN’S HERE
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted