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cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
New tinder profile pic
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.