My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
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In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
This raises questions
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too