After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
You Might Also Like
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.