Oh no 😂😂💔😭
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[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Breaking news:
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.