If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
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if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.