What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
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Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears