In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
You Might Also Like
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating