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Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.