What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
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The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
What if the weather talks about us?
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.