JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
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[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move