Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
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Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
😬
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.