Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
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Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I’ve had worse
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful