Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
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My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband