You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Realize this:
🙂🙃🥹
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.