I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
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Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Bootstraps
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.