Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
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At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library