DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
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dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
step 6: release the wall snake
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”