i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
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I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?