Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
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“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?