Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
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Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.