Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
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If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Investing in beetcoin
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit