I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Bobby pin
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.