WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
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[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
tinder is all about the long game
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.