[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
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[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.