Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
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I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
🤣
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.