“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
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I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong