Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
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Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
same vibe as tangled headphones
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Who knew!
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.