5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
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Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
That was easy.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18