I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
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6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story