Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
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I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
we all know this pain all too well
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.