Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
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What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
My work here is don’t.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”