I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
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Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I saw this ending much differently.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.