If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
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My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover