Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
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Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
How does one answer this?
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog