Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
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Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*