me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
You Might Also Like
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!