*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
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This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I have never related to a cat more