The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
You Might Also Like
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.