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I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow