Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
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The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
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[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.