“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
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me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?