Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
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Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus