My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
You Might Also Like
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips