I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
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I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family