*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
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I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.