If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
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Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes