I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
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FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here