Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
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Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
saving face 👀